Wednesday, February 25, 2015


Sorry for the lack of update. So much on my mind. Our appointment with my RE went okay. She want's me to ideally lose 35 pounds, and to get a few other things done (change blood pressure med, etc) and then we will start trying treatment at my next appointment at the end of April. She also wanted me to go in for an ultrasound to make sure my uterus was ready to go. Well, I went in right after my period (around CD10 or so) and my ultrasound showed that the lining of the uterus was thicker than it should have been for just finishing a period. My RE said she wanted to do an endometrial biopsy just to make sure there wasn't anything wrong. I figured all was fine, I honestly wasn't worried at all. Well, yesterday she called me and told me that the biopsy shows pre-cancerous cells and that after we are done trying for children I will need a hysterectomy. I am so shocked, I never in a MILLION years thought this was going to happen. So now, at only 25 years old, I get to think about when I will have my uterus cut out of me. I am taking it pretty hard. Sure, maybe it wouldn't be THAT big of a deal if I could at least get pregnant easily and pop out the kids I want before then. But, I can't. I have to spend thousands of dollars we don't have and cross my fingers I will get pregnant. For the pure fact of the financial aspect, I will NEVER have the number of kids I want before I need the hysterectomy. It breaks my heart. Just yet another reason I HATE my body. I see my RE next week now and I'm not sure if we are going to keep the same plan, or jump straight into trying to have some babies. I also see an Oncologist to discuss exactly what my future holds. This. Sucks.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

I am telling you, the stress is getting to me. We've been having neighbor drama, I've been thinking about the twins a lot lately for some reason, and then I see my RE next week and I am hitting panic mode! God damn why does getting pregnant have to be so much work for us. Why can't we be one of those careless couples who have drunk sex and "Whoops! We're pregnant!" and get to celebrate and be happy and never have a single strand of stress in the entire process of getting pregnant. Now there is me. Having sex for (LITERALLY) years unprotected and not a DAMN thing. Notta. It's so unfair it's almost unreal. I mean, what kind of SICK joke is this. And don't get me going about all the women who reproduce, and to put it nicely, don't deserve it. I mean damn, this is cruel and unusual isn't it? Or is it just me? So, we see our RE in 5 days and I am SO terrified they are just going to tell me to lose weight and not help. I suppose only time will tell. I DO need to lose weight and am working hard on making an effort at taking better care of myself...

I really just needed somewhere to vent. I am sure there will be much more of that to come ;)

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

The woman that broke my heart forever...

I suppose today I will write about our failed adoption. Last June my husband and I saw a post on Facebook one night, about a girl pregnant with twins and going to put them up for adoption. We knew for some time we wanted more kids and this almost felt like a calling to us. I sent her a message and asked if she had found a family, which she said no to. I told her my husband and I would love to adopt them, so on and so forth. She wanted to meet with us so we met her at a park where our kids could play and we could talk. Long story as short as possible, she liked us and wanted to let us adopt the twins. I was thrilled. From that day on (about 8 weeks or so of her pregnancy) I took her to every single appointment, saw every ultrasound, cried in happiness for the babies I thought were mine. I loved them so much. When we found out they were girls we were thrilled and excited beyond words. We bought them so much stuff, picked out names, and were waiting for them to be born any day. We had our lawyer waiting for the call that they were born, and our pre placement home study was complete. We were literally 100% ready and waiting for them. 10 days before they were born I messaged the birth mother and asked her how she was, I knew she was sick and wanted to see how she was feeling. She said "we need to get together this weekend and talk" it was instant worry, what could be wrong? I told her we could talk now and she replied by text and said that she decided to place the babies with another family and we were no longer getting them. Instant shock, heartbreak, panic, tears flooding my eyes. What happened? What did we do wrong? Why would she just so randomly no longer want us to have what I felt were already MY babies. I still can't talk about this without wanting to bawl and really all the exact details aren't important... she tore our family apart. Broke my FREAKING heart. I still don't understand, and she has a million excuses, but when it comes down to it they are all either lies about me, or just plain don't make sense. I feel taken advantage of and hurt. The day I saw their picture of Facebook killed me. There they were, the girls I dreamed about, longed for, and loved. Those were supposed me by MY babies. It sucks. Bad. There is no other way to put it. We thought about trying to adopt again but honestly my heart has no interest. The heartbreak caused to me by some random women with all the power was too much for me. I am a changed person and this will forever be a scare on my heart. I hope those girls have a happy life, and are loved as much as I would have loved them. I don't know their names, and I don't know the woman they will call mom, but know I loved them and they will always have a little piece of my heart.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Whoa!!!! Long time, no Blog.

Wow, I can't believe I've gone so long without an update. Well, I guess first of all I should finish off where I left off! My pregnancy with my sweet Layla was a heck of an experience! I had a pretty high risk pregnancy between my type II diabetes and high blood pressure. But realistically it went fantastic! I had 2 appointments a week and non stress tests but it was worth it. The entire time I expected something horrible to happen and truthfully expected the worse. But for the most part everything went great. I was induced at 39 weeks, not for any complications but because I am diabetic and theres risk of placental failure. But, Layla had other plans! I went in on August 29th 2012 at 5:00PM and she wasn't born until August 31st at 5:21 PM via c-section. She sure didn't want to come out. But, there she was. My amazing little girl. We waited SO long for you... if only you knew.

becoming a mother was the best thing ever. I can't even put to words how much it has changed me and how wonderful it is. After waiting so long, and thinking it would NEVER happen I couldn't be any happier. 

Now fast forward to now, my beautiful girl is 2 years old and amazing. It's hard to imagine life without her. 

But now we want to have another. We recently had a failed adoption (I will get into that another time) and it broke our hearts. We really want a sibling for Layla, and I would love to experience motherhood again. So, I made an appointment for my RE's office. HERE WE GO AGAIN. I am not expecting it to go as easily and amazing as it did with Layla. I'm going in expecting a rollercoaster. I am nervous and excited for what will come. I met with my endocrinologist for my diabetes and told him we are going to start trying again, so we are going to get that under control as well. Please, wish us luck! I really would love to be able to become pregnant and have another beautiful baby.