Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Where do I start

Things have been pretty hard on me lately, and Facebook is my worst enemy. I'm so tired of seeing everybody posting pictures of their babies, talking about being pregnant and or getting pregnant. I try not to be so selfish but it's impossible. All I can think is... "Why is this happening to me?" and the past few days have been the worst.
Let me begin with telling you that me and my brother are not on speaking terms. I honestly am not sure if I wan't that to change or not after what all has happened but it's still upsetting. Him and this girl started dating, this girl treated him awful so of course I didn't like her. Then one night she flipped out on my husband and that was my last straw with her. I told my brother that I loved him but didn't want her in my life. He continued to tell me he hated me, called me terrible terrible names that I won't repeat and long story short, we haven't talked sense. It's almost been a year, maybe it has been, I'm not all that sure. But either way, on top of going through all of my infertility problems and being heart broken over it, I found out that his girlfriend was pregnant. It killed me. I cried for days straight. I've been trying for 4 years... and then this girl steps into my life, takes my brother from me, and then takes all my dreams. I wanted to give my mom her first grandchild. Not this girl. Now it kills me to see anybody be excited about it. That should be me! So, the last few days have been really hard. She's due next month I believe, and her baby shower is next weekend. I'm of course not invited and the only reason that I know anything about it is because I wanted to goto my aunts that weekend and, oh, nope, she's going to the baby shower. So... long story short, I'm heartbroken. I'm so tired of not being able to have the one thing in life that I REALLY REALLY want. I've always been the girl who got everything she wanted sooner or later, but this is the only thing EVER that I can't seem to have. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so bitter and I feel like I hate everyone and everything... I just want this to end.


Well, out of everybody I know, I've only known one other girl who has struggled with PCOS and infertility... she is actually due to have twin girls anyday... I finally asked her what all she had done before her pregnancy and it seems that she struggled a lot too. She said the one thing that she recommended the most was to goto a reproductive endocrinologist instead of a Ob/Gyn right away. SO, she recommended a RE to me, and I called and made an appointment! So, besides feeling very very depressed, I do feel a slight bit of excitement to see what this new route takes us to. Hopefully I have the luck that she did!

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