The woman that broke my heart forever...

I suppose today I will write about our failed adoption. Last June my husband and I saw a post on Facebook one night, about a girl pregnant with twins and going to put them up for adoption. We knew for some time we wanted more kids and this almost felt like a calling to us. I sent her a message and asked if she had found a family, which she said no to. I told her my husband and I would love to adopt them, so on and so forth. She wanted to meet with us so we met her at a park where our kids could play and we could talk. Long story as short as possible, she liked us and wanted to let us adopt the twins. I was thrilled. From that day on (about 8 weeks or so of her pregnancy) I took her to every single appointment, saw every ultrasound, cried in happiness for the babies I thought were mine. I loved them so much. When we found out they were girls we were thrilled and excited beyond words. We bought them so much stuff, picked out names, and were waiting for them to be born any day. We had our lawyer waiting for the call that they were born, and our pre placement home study was complete. We were literally 100% ready and waiting for them. 10 days before they were born I messaged the birth mother and asked her how she was, I knew she was sick and wanted to see how she was feeling. She said "we need to get together this weekend and talk" it was instant worry, what could be wrong? I told her we could talk now and she replied by text and said that she decided to place the babies with another family and we were no longer getting them. Instant shock, heartbreak, panic, tears flooding my eyes. What happened? What did we do wrong? Why would she just so randomly no longer want us to have what I felt were already MY babies. I still can't talk about this without wanting to bawl and really all the exact details aren't important... she tore our family apart. Broke my FREAKING heart. I still don't understand, and she has a million excuses, but when it comes down to it they are all either lies about me, or just plain don't make sense. I feel taken advantage of and hurt. The day I saw their picture of Facebook killed me. There they were, the girls I dreamed about, longed for, and loved. Those were supposed me by MY babies. It sucks. Bad. There is no other way to put it. We thought about trying to adopt again but honestly my heart has no interest. The heartbreak caused to me by some random women with all the power was too much for me. I am a changed person and this will forever be a scare on my heart. I hope those girls have a happy life, and are loved as much as I would have loved them. I don't know their names, and I don't know the woman they will call mom, but know I loved them and they will always have a little piece of my heart.

Whoa!!!! Long time, no Blog.

Wow, I can't believe I've gone so long without an update. Well, I guess first of all I should finish off where I left off! My pregnancy with my sweet Layla was a heck of an experience! I had a pretty high risk pregnancy between my type II diabetes and high blood pressure. But realistically it went fantastic! I had 2 appointments a week and non stress tests but it was worth it. The entire time I expected something horrible to happen and truthfully expected the worse. But for the most part everything went great. I was induced at 39 weeks, not for any complications but because I am diabetic and theres risk of placental failure. But, Layla had other plans! I went in on August 29th 2012 at 5:00PM and she wasn't born until August 31st at 5:21 PM via c-section. She sure didn't want to come out. But, there she was. My amazing little girl. We waited SO long for you... if only you knew.

becoming a mother was the best thing ever. I can't even put to words how much it has changed me and how wonderful it is. After waiting so long, and thinking it would NEVER happen I couldn't be any happier. 

Now fast forward to now, my beautiful girl is 2 years old and amazing. It's hard to imagine life without her. 

But now we want to have another. We recently had a failed adoption (I will get into that another time) and it broke our hearts. We really want a sibling for Layla, and I would love to experience motherhood again. So, I made an appointment for my RE's office. HERE WE GO AGAIN. I am not expecting it to go as easily and amazing as it did with Layla. I'm going in expecting a rollercoaster. I am nervous and excited for what will come. I met with my endocrinologist for my diabetes and told him we are going to start trying again, so we are going to get that under control as well. Please, wish us luck! I really would love to be able to become pregnant and have another beautiful baby.

Wow has time gone by fast.

I can't believe that it's been so long since I have posted! Being tired while pregnant is no joke. I haven't felt like doing anything until the last few days. Today I am 14 weeks 3 days. It's amazing how quickly this is going without me even noticing. It all seemed so slow, but in all reality, it's going by fast. I've had 3 more ultrasounds since my last post. Baby is doing beautifully. I did find out officially that I have type II diabetes. So that is a bit scary for being pregnant but I'm doing my best to control my blood sugars to keep my baby healthy. My blood pressure had been doing great so far so that is wonderful. April 23rd is my anatomy ultrasound and I can't wait to find out what I am having! Nothing too eventful in the pregnancy. I have had spotting on and off, but all turned out to be okay. I really never got morning sickness that bad, I had it for a few short weeks and it wasn't that bad. I've been really really tired but that is a bout all. Lately I've had a crazy appetite and I want to eat everything but at the same time I can't because my blood sugars. So that kind of sucks.
Within the last few days I've gone from being positive I would breastfed and there was no way I wouldn't, so being positive that I'm not going to and I'm going to formula feed. I've been going back and forth so much in my mind, but when it comes down to it, I just don't think that personally I can breastfed. Maybe I will change my mind again but at this moment I am formula feeding 100%. But we still have a long road a head of us, and we will see what happens :)

My baby is now a baby!

So I had another ultrasound on Feb 4th and I was actually measuring ahead of where I should have been, so my due date is now Sept 7th and on the day of my ultrasound was measuring at 9 weeks 1 day. So today I would be 9 weeks 4 days. It was so amazing. It actually looked like a baby this time, and we got to see their little arms and legs waving and kicking all over, and he/she must take after their daddy because they were dancing all over in there. It was so amazing and more than I was expecting. I am so in love with it already.

I've been feeling okay. Morning sickness did start probably a little over a week ago but nothing too bad. I've probably only thrown up 4 times total but EVERYTHING makes me gag and dry heave. But I don't feel that bad, not to mention I wouldn't care if I WAS feeling really bad. I never imagined I'd ever be pregnant and I am so happy. 

I was finally released from my reproductive endocrinologist and am now going to see a OB. My first OB appointment is on the 16th. I'm really excited because I want to address somebody about my high blood pressure and high blood sugars. I've been really worried about that and want to get that under control ASAP. 

Other than that not much new for now.  

First Ultrasound

So I FINALLY had my first ultrasound on Friday and it was the most amazing experience of my life. Only 1 little baby!!! Hearing and seeing that little heartbeat was so amazing. Today I am 6 weeks and 6 days (my ultrasound was on 6 weeks and 2 days) I'm due Sept. 12th and the little heartbeat was 130BPM. So amazing. I have another ultrasound on Feb. 4th (I will be 8 weeks and 3 days) and then I should be released to a OB. I am so in love with that little peanut growing in there already.

The pictures didn't turn out the best :( We got to see MUCH more on the screen. But you can see the little itty bitty baby right under where it says Baby. <3 I love you little peanut.

I'm feeling pretty good actually. Not really much morning sickness yet. A little nausea once in awhile, but nothing too major. Lots of heartburn, and all I'm craving is spicy food so that's a bad mix, haha. I've been REALLY tired and my breasts are super sore. But other than that, I'm feeling good! 

KTFU!

So, I'm actually feeling great! My Beta came in yesterday at 316! So my levels increased perfectly and I don't have to do anymore blood work. I would be about 5 weeks pregnant. My first ultrasound is scheduled for January 20th! I'm so excited and scared all rolled into one. I don't know how I'm ever going to make it to the 20th. I'm also very anxious to see how many babies are growing in there since I could have released 4 eggs! With how low my HCG levels are though I'm really thinking that it's probably only 1, possibly 2. I've had a lot of cramping, that started before I even knew I was pregnant. But no spotting, so I'm trying not to worry too much. But of course it's hard not to worry. But other than that my symptoms so far are fairly minor. My boobs are SORE, I'm constipated, and I'm tired. Today I noticed that my sense of smell is off, but that just started today and not sure if it's going to last. Hopefully not! I've been pretty gaggy too, but not really "morning sick" yet, just certain things make me gag and I'm pretty picky at what I eat now. BUT it isn't bad. It's all so exciting and I'm loving it. I can't wait to be a momma <3

I can't believe I am able to say this...

I AM PREGNANT! I am so shocked that I don't even know how to react. It all started on the 27th and I decided to take an early test, and it was positive. I was so shocked and I didn't believe that it could be real. I figured that it was just the HCG trigger still in my system. I ended up taking 4 tests that night through the morning and all were positive. I called my RE and they sent me in to get my blood drawn and test my Beta, it was 23! So it was really low, but still a positive. I went back today and it has gone up to 70! I am so shocked. Now, these levels are really low but it went up just fine and hopefully it continues to climb. I really just don't even know what to say because I am so shocked. I never imaged that this was ever going to happen. I have to go back Tuesday to get my blood drawn again and my Beta should be above 200, let's just hope that happens... I really hope that this baby sticks and is successful. It's been a long time coming and I just want this to work.